Danger, XMen, Danger!
by Orange Lantern Tsume
Summary: Lance and the Brotherhood must save Kitty and Bayville from the Head Vampire! But will they become vampires, or triumph over evil? Can they win, being stoned on pot? R&R! Ch5 UP!
1. A Threat To The Earth!

Danger, X-Men, Danger!  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: This is my first X-Men Evolution humor fic, so bear with me. I tried to use some of the godly humor of Red Witch (may that name be said with utter reverence) but I can't say I'm the best. Red Witch is.  
  
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Chapter 1: A Threat To The Earth!  
  
  
  
  
  
The Brotherhood was in their house, sitting in the living room, enjoying a perfectly normal evening conversation.  
  
Perfectly normal, that is, except for the fact that Todd managed to snag a lunchbox full of grass (AN: Marijuana, I think) and the mutants were stoned out of their minds.  
  
"Look at my hands!" Wanda said, staring at her hands as if she just realized she had them.  
  
"So?" Fred snorted. "Look at my FEET!"  
  
"That's nothing!" Todd said. "Check out this killer nose I have!"  
  
"Dude, I can't remember whether I live on land or undersea," Lance said, staring at some fish program the Discovery Channel was showing.  
  
"Look at me!" Pietro said, zipping around. "I'm the Flash!"  
  
"Flash nothing!" Wanda said. "I'm the Glue to your Flash!" Blue electricity crackled around her hands as she stopped her brother on a dime.  
  
"Man, I can't remember whether I'm a white girl or a black girl!" Tabitha laughed.  
  
"Maybe you're both?" Todd suggested. "Maybe you're a blite girl!"  
  
"That's gotta be it!" Tabitha said.  
  
"Hey, everybody shut up!" Lance said. "There's something on the news about Kitty!"  
  
"You think every chick is Kitty!" Fred told him. "I mean, I can't tell if Toad here is a green hotdog or not!"  
  
"Thanks for choosing to eat me first, Fred!" Todd smiled.  
  
"I said shut up!" Lance yelled. "It's important."  
  
Everyone managed to quiet down enough to hear the news:  
  
"The fifth victim in the vampire-like murders," the reporter said. "The body was drained of blood and has two trademark puncture wounds on the neck, over the jugular vein. Authorities wish to make everyone aware that a strange figure has been seen lurking around the scenes before each death. Some say it is a man, while others say it is a young woman."  
  
"See? They think that Kitty did this!" Lance said. He became very angry. "I'll find Kitty and help keep her safe!"  
  
"Lance, the X-Geeks won't let you in the front door," Tabitha reminded him.  
  
"I'm the Champ!" Wanda said, not paying attention to where she was swinging her fists; she knocked Lance onto the floor. "I am the greatest boxer in the history of the world!"  
  
"You just knocked Lance up!" Todd said.  
  
"It's knocked OUT, you moron," Pietro said. "If he got knocked up, he'd be pregnant!"  
  
"Lance, you're pregnant?" Fred said. "Can I come to the baby shower?"  
  
"He means to ask if he can eat the baby. He'll probably mistake it for a talking donut!" Tabitha said, roaring with laughter.  
  
"I'm not pregnant!" Lance said. "But maybe Kitty is!"  
  
"It better be your kid, or Summers will get dibs on it!" Todd said.  
  
"That's right!" Lance said, getting to his feet. "Quick, to the X-Meeces' home! We have to save my Kitty and Kitten!"  
  
"He's right!" Pietro said. "In the A-Jeep!"  
  
"A-Jeep?" everyone repeated.  
  
"It's Alvers' jeep!"  
  
"OH!"  
  
The Brotherhood piled into the jeep and drove like mad to the Xavier Institute. Worried about his family, Lance veered in and out of lanes, driving like a total madman. He ignored the front gate and smashed right through it, the gate causing minor damage thanks to one of Tabitha's plasma bombs. He slammed on the brakes and screeched to a halt at the front door.  
  
A second after the dust began to settle, Scott came out, yelling. "What's the matter with you, Alvers? Can't you drive worth a---"  
  
"Shut up, Ken Doll Man!" Lance said, shoving him aside. "I must find Kitty!" He ran through the open doors and began calling for his life's love, tossing anyone out of the way.  
  
"Lance, stop it!" Jean said. "Just calm down!"  
  
"Oh My God!" Tabitha shrieked. "It's her!"  
  
"What?" Jean said, caught off guard by the statement.  
  
"It's the Red Menace!" Tabitha screamed, falling to her knees and weeping as she clutched to Pietro's leg. (AN: Check out Red Witch's "Red Menace"! It's the best!)  
  
"Don't worry!" Wanda said, hugging Tabitha briefly. "I'll protect you!" She grabbed a vase and threw it at Jean, dousing the telepath. Jean turned red and began throwing things at Wanda, starting a mutant catfight.  
  
"Kitty, I'll protect you!" Lance vowed, charging into another room. He didn't realize he had burst into Xavier's study. Logan and Xavier were there, with Rogue. "Not YOU!" Lance gasped, holding up an arm to protect himself as he stared at Xavier in terror.  
  
"What are you talking about, Lance?" Rogue asked.  
  
"It's HIM!"  
  
"Him who?" Logan asked.  
  
"Cue-Ball!"  
  
Logan and Rogue doubled over laughing at the Xavier joke. Lance, however, was still terrified. He jabbed a finger at Xavier. "What have you done to my Kitty?" he demanded.  
  
"Lance, I have done nothing---"  
  
"Liar! You're trying to brainwash her so Summers can have her! But I won't let that happen!" He threw a sponge he had in his pocket at Xavier.  
  
"What in the---!" Ororo said as she came into the room.  
  
"Lance thinks the professor's brainwashing Kitty!" Rogue chuckled, forcing down the laughter.  
  
"Really?" Kitty said, coming into the study. "Lance, I didn't know you loved me so much that you would storm the Institute! It's so sweet and romantic!"  
  
"Kitty, the police are after you!" Todd said, jumping into the room with Kurt on his back, the two locked into a fierce wrestling match.  
  
"Really?" Kitty asked.  
  
"Yeah," Lance said. "They think you killed those people on TV! They all say a vampire did it, and they say that you're the vampire!"  
  
"I think Rogue would be a better choice," Pietro said, entering even as he dodged Evan's spikes. "Or the Red Menace."  
  
"I AM NOT THE RED MENACE!" Jean roared from the common room, still fighting Wanda.  
  
"She's not!" Scott said, charging into the study. "Get out, Alvers!"  
  
"Scott, he can stay!" Kitty said, defensively getting in front of Lance.  
  
"Watch it!" Lance said, trading places with her. "They're all against you!"  
  
"You're so sweet!" Kitty giggled, kissing his cheek.  
  
'That's weird,' Lance thought. 'I could swear she felt cold.'  
  
"Lance, Kitty is perfectly safe where she is," Logan said. "We can protect her."  
  
"Like you protected Baldy's hair?" Todd sniped. "Look how evil he became when he lost his hair!"  
  
"They have got to be smoking some pretty potent stuff," Bobby said. "Crazy, huh?"  
  
"Yep," Rahne said, snuggling closer to him. "Would you ever do this sort of stuff for me?"  
  
"You have to ask?"  
  
"I love you so much!" Rahne said as she pounced on Bobby, sending the both of them over the couch's back.  
  
"Everyone, calm down!" Xavier ordered.  
  
But the Brotherhood didn't pay attention: Lance was protecting Kitty; Wanda was pulling Jean's hair and cheating to win; Pietro was pouring dishwasher fluid all over the kitchen floor to cheese off Evan; Todd was spitting on Kurt's stuff; Tabitha was hitting on Scott; Fred was sumo wrestling Hank.  
  
"ALL RIGHT!" Logan bellowed. "EVERYBODY SHUT UP NOW!"  
  
Everyone stopped acting psychotic and behaved rationally.  
  
"All right," Xavier said. "We can keep Kitty here and watch over her, but we do need to learn more about what the police think of these murders."  
  
"I'll go," Scott said. "I'm the best choice."  
  
"No, I AM!" Pietro said, shoving him back into his chair. "I'm going!" He took off before anyone could stop him.  
  
"I suggest we all get some sleep," Ororo said.  
  
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Later, when everyone was sleeping, Lance and the rest of the Brotherhood was having the weirdest dream of their lives:  
  
"Lance," the angel called again. The whole Brotherhood, minus Mystique and Magneto and Mag's new crew, was standing in the middle of a forest clearing, staring up at a bright light that hovered above them.  
  
The light moved closer, and revealed a beautiful angel, her white bird's wings making her look like a slice of Heaven.  
  
"It's Kitty!" Lance said. "Kitty, you could be in danger out here!"  
  
"Ah, but I am not Kitty," the angel said. "I only look exactly like her, including that cute smile of hers. My name is Birdie."  
  
"Makes sense," Tabitha said. "She does have bird wings."  
  
"Silence. I have come to warn you of the Brotherhood that there is a great evil approaching."  
  
"Mystique?" Wanda asked.  
  
"Worse," Birdie said ominously.  
  
"Magneto?" Todd asked.  
  
"Worse than Magneto could ever be."  
  
"Cube-Ball?" Lance asked.  
  
"An evil greater than Cue-Ball's."  
  
"I got it!" Fred declared. "It's the closing down of Kentucky Fried Chicken!"  
  
"Alas, this evil has no limits like that!" Birdie said sadly. "This evil is without equal!"  
  
"We'll beat it!" Pietro swore. "As long as it means saving Lance and Kitty and their kid!"  
  
"Then you must vanquish the Head Vampire, before there are more vampires!" Birdie told them.  
  
"For Kitty!" Lance cried.  
  
"For Kitty!" everyone else yelled.  
  
"Then go, and stop this evil before it takes root!"  
  
The Brotherhood woke up, finding the hour to be midnight. They only had six hours before dawn, and they had to stop the Head Vampire quick!  
  
"We need to compile a list of possible suspects which will allow us, the vampire hunters, to systematically eliminate the threat that has been presented against us," Todd said.  
  
"His intelligence must go up with the more grass he smokes," Fred guessed.  
  
"Let's get to it!" Lance said, taking charge. "We must save Kitty, if no one else!"  
  
"Can we not save Summers and Daniels?" Pietro asked.  
  
"I don't see why not," Lance shrugged.  
  
And with that, the Brotherhood began their vampire hunt.  
  
To be continued...  
  
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AUTHOR: Will the Brotherhood be able to stop the Head Vampire before there are enough bloodsuckers to overrun Bayville? Will Kitty be safe, and is she pregnant?  
  
SEND IN YOUR REVIEWS TO FIND OUT, IN THE NEXT CHAPTER! 


	2. Stoned Vampire Hunters

Danger, X-Men, Danger!  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Thanks for the great reviews, everyone! I'm choking on pride alone! I actually wrote this chapter while listening to Offspring's "Original Prankster"! Download that song, b/c it KICKS ASS!  
  
TO Red Witch: What exactly is a "plug"? I'm having a bit of trouble learning the new Fanfiction lingo/slang/whatever. Also, did you like my references to you and the "Red Menace"?  
  
TO todd fan: Glad I made you laugh real good, since I have loads of trouble making normal jokes. I got most of my ideas from that show "Triggerhappy" on Comedy Central.  
  
TO Rogue: Thanks a lot, sweets (no offense meant)! I myself am writing "3" fics at the moment, so I might take a while. Thanks for telling me you can't wait for more Lance and Kitty fics, since I plan to write a story that shows the REAL Lance Alvers (you might want to check it out!).  
  
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Chapter 2: Stoned Vampire Hunters  
  
  
  
  
  
The Brotherhood, directed by Lance, piled into the A-Jeep and took off into the night, making a quick list of vampire-killing tools to get and fast. Lance wasted no time, swerving in and out of lanes, briefly wondering if he would kill the Head Vampire in a car crash, even though he technically had a jeep.  
  
"Over there---Vampire Hunter Central!" Tabitha shouted, pointing to a Wal- Mart. Lance ignored the traffic lights and pissed-off motorists who cussed at him as he pulled up onto the sidewalk, almost hitting Principal Kelly.  
  
"Hoodlums!" Kelly said. "No respect for their elders!"  
  
"Wait, Principal Kelly!" Pietro said. "I have to show you something!"  
  
"Well, hurry it up! I have to run some errands!"  
  
When the gang had entered Wal-Mart, Pietro pulled everyone into a huddle. "Guys, I think we just found the Head Vampire!"  
  
"Kelly? No way!" Todd said.  
  
"Think about it!" Wanda said. "He's out in the middle of the night, running so-called errands for no obvious reason---he's got to be 'A' vampire, if not the Head Vampire! I mean, he IS a principal: He's against freedom for all kids!"  
  
"She's right!" Fred agreed. "Kelly is pure evil! We have to stop him!"  
  
"Everyone shut up!" Lance said. "We need vampire-killing tools, so get to it!"  
  
The stoned Brotherhood ran around Wal-Mart, snatching equipment where they could. Pietro ripped everyone's wallets off, allowing them to pay for everything. The Brotherhood looked over the tools they gathered: Super Soakers, water balloons, water pistols, and a few wooden lawn darts in place of stakes. Overall, not bad.  
  
"All right everyone!" Lance told them. "Now that we're armed, let's get cracking!"  
  
"I filled everything up with holy water!" Pietro said. "I was moving like the Flash!"  
  
"Your Flash still sucks!" Wanda barked. She squirted him in the eye with a water pistol.  
  
"Get Kelly!" Lance shouted, leading his team out the front doors.  
  
Kelly was still outside, waiting like a dofus. "Stop! What are you hoodlums---!" He was cut off as the Brotherhood hosed him down. "Ah! Stop! I am your principal!"  
  
"For innocent students everywhere!" Tabitha said. "Die, you vampire freak! Your reign of terror on the student body ends tonight!"  
  
"Anarchy now!" Todd shouted maniacally. "Freedom for all students!"  
  
"You're all insane!" Kelly bellowed as he ran away.  
  
"Huh. Guess he wasn't a vampire after all," Fred said. "We better find some real vampires, before the head Vampire takes over Bayville!"  
  
"And Kitty!" Lance said. "I can't leave my woman and child to a bunch of suck-heads!" (AN: Remember, because they are stoned, the Brotherhood thinks that Kitty is pregnant!)  
  
"Into the A-Jeep!" Wanda said, and the gang drove off, in search of more vampires.  
  
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"Kitty, do you think that Lance will be all right? He IS stoned, you know," Kurt said.  
  
"Oh, he'll be fine. That's so sweet of him, though, trying to protect me from all those bad police officers!"  
  
"Kitty, careful! You're spacing out in Lala Land again!"  
  
"Help!" Bobby screamed. "Rahne's trying to smother me with affection!"  
  
"I love you, Bobby!" Rahne said, pulling him back onto the floor and working furiously at his fly.  
  
"Maybe we were better off with the Brotherhood here," Logan groaned. "These kids and young love!"  
  
"You're just jealous," Hank laughed.  
  
"Shut up before I wallop you one."  
  
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The Brotherhood had driven around for an hour, hosing down homeless people, pedestrians waiting on street corners, and as many football players and cheerleaders from the high school as they could get.  
  
"Wait! Hit the brakes!" Todd said. Lance did so. "I see someone! It might be the Head Vampire!"  
  
"All right, men!" Pietro said.  
  
"Hey, that's my line!" Lance said.  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Okay, crew: Let's get the job done right this time! Kitty won't be safe much longer if we screw the pooch!"  
  
"He's right!" Tabitha said. "Get the Head Vampire!"  
  
The Brotherhood charged into the Olive Garden, frantically searching for the person Todd had spotted.  
  
"There she is!" Todd pointed. "It's her!"  
  
"What the hell?" Raven Darkhölme swore as the Brotherhood charged her, Super Soakers spraying. Raven flailed her arms, trying to run, but Todd tripped her on his spit. "Get away from me, you maniacs!"  
  
"For Kitty!" Lance cried loudly. He jammed the end of his Super Soaker, a very large and powerful new version, into Raven's mouth and began pumping like there was no tomorrow.  
  
After a long moment of spraying as many people as there were left---most had run when they saw the psychotically stoned mutants---the Brotherhood jumped back into the A-Jeep, flooring the gas and heading for a new location.  
  
"Where to next, Lance?" Todd asked. "The X-Morons' home?"  
  
"Not yet! We can still bag more suck-heads, and that's what we're gonna do!"  
  
"There's a vampire!" Fred shouted, pointing his massive finger at a lone figure walking down the street to home.  
  
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"Holy shit!" Duncan Mathews cried as he turned and ran. The Brotherhood simply drove ahead of him, swerved and parked to cut him off, and jumped out of their jeep.  
  
"Kill the Head Vampire!" Lance shouted. He was using twin water pistols and aiming at Duncan's face.  
  
"We got him on the ropes!" Wanda declared. She kicked Duncan in the shin, making him hop up and down. "Die, you bloodsucking freak!"  
  
"I am not a vampire!" Duncan yelled.  
  
"You expect us to believe that?" Fred snorted. He hefted and then tossed a MASSIVE water balloon, which sent Duncan a few yards back on the small wave it made when it burst.  
  
"We got him!" Pietro said.  
  
"Quick, to Acme!" Lance said. "We still need garlic!" Everyone got into the jeep and they hauled tail to Acme. When they got there, the vampire hunters ran amok, tossing fruit and vegetables everywhere as they searched for garlic. They even watered some of the people that were doing late- night inventory and some stock boys.  
  
"We got the garlic!" Pietro said. "Time to kill the Head Vampire!"  
  
The Brotherhood got into the jeep and drove straight for the only place you could find vampires at this ungodly hour: The High School. But their search there was fruitless.  
  
"To the streets!" Lance yelled. They drove around some more---and found another vampire.  
  
"Not again!" Principal Kelly yelped as he tried to run for it. The Brotherhood merely drove alongside him, tossing water balloons and spraying him with newly mixed garlic-flavored holy water, recently made by the Brotherhood themselves.  
  
Kelly began to smolder and burst into flames, making the high-as-kites mutants freeze in total surprise.  
  
"Holy hell!" Lance said. "Birdie wasn't kidding---there really ARE vampires in Bayville!"  
  
"In that case, we need to kill every vampire in the next two hours, because that's all we have left!" Tabitha informed him.  
  
"She's right!" Todd said. "Or the X-Men---Kitty included---will become the X-Vampires!" (AN: They really DID become the X-Vampires in What If # 39!)  
  
"Let's go!" Pietro said. The Brotherhood took off, working overtime to hose down every vampire they found. Of course, they had to refill their weapons several times in the mad rush, but they got the job done when the sun came up.  
  
"Hey, don't vampires get crisped by the sun?" Wanda asked.  
  
"Not all vampires," Todd said. He had recently smoked a large amount of grass and had gotten smart again. "There are stories here and there that tell of vampires feasting from midday to midnight instead of during night only."  
  
The Brotherhood almost wrecked the front door again as they parked at the Institute. As he did before, Scott came out, yelling up a storm.  
  
"Alvers, I told you to---"  
  
"Ah, shove it up your pee-hole, you Ken doll!" Lance snorted. "Or better yet, have Barbie do it for you!"  
  
"Alvers!" Jean yelled, shaking her fist at him from a second-floor window. Lance blew her a kiss, which made her even madder.  
  
"Now, where's my Kitty and Kitten?" Lance demanded.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Scott said.  
  
"It's my kid, not yours!" Lance said, jerking a thumb towards himself. "You can't have them, you sick pervert!"  
  
"Alvers!" Scott growled, taking a step forward.  
  
Lance and the Brotherhood blasted him as one, completely drenching him. Scott screamed as the garlic-laced holy water sank in through his pores, and he turned to smoldering ashes.  
  
The X-Men stared, shocked beyond belief.  
  
"Scott was a vampire!" Fred said. "I knew it! That means I get Jean!"  
  
"You still love me?" Jean asked.  
  
"Of course, sugar!" Fred said, crushing her in a bear hug.  
  
"I say 'sugar'!" Rogue said. The Brotherhood hosed her, but she wasn't a vampire.  
  
"I think that's enough vampire deaths for one night," Rahne said before she survived being hosed.  
  
"Psychos," Logan said. Pietro hosed him big time form all directions, but Logan lived.  
  
"There's bound to be a vampire or two left!" Wanda said. "And it's the X- Pinheads who're housing them!"  
  
"Stop calling us names!" Evan warned. The Brotherhood watered him down, proving he was a vampire.  
  
"Evan, no!" Ororo cried.  
  
"Oh, get over it," Pietro said. "Nobody liked him anyway."  
  
"He's right," Rogue said. "I hated his guts."  
  
"So did I," Jean said. "Face it, Storm, Evan was a loser."  
  
"I guess so," Ororo said. "Ain't that some shit?"  
  
"Okay, everyone!" Lance said. "Let's have a celebration!"  
  
"Maybe later---" Xavier began.  
  
"NOW!" everyone yelled.  
  
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During the party, nobody noticed Lance and Kitty sneak upstairs, following Rahne's example (she had grabbed Bobby and was busy seducing him in her room). Kitty and Lance took Kitty's own room, eager to have their own private celebration.  
  
"Lance, I can't believe you protected me like that! It's so nice of you!" Kitty said, hugging him.  
  
"That's me, Mr. Nice Guy," Lance said.  
  
Kitty kissed him, and he deepened it. They continued to make out heavily, Lance ignoring the fact that Kitty felt ice-cold in his arms. She touched a sensitive spot on his flank, making him wince because he was ticklish--- and when he arced his neck, she sank her fangs in.  
  
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AUTHOR: Dear God, what have I done to Kitty? Is she really a vampire, or am I just playing head games with you all?  
  
VERY IMPORTANT: TELL ME WHETHER YOU LIKE MARVEL OR DC, B/C I AM WRITING AT LEAST THREE (3) FICS, ONE WHERE MARVEL VILLAINS TAKE ON DC UNIVERSE! TELL ME WHICH DO YOU LIKE (ALSO OPEN TO MORE VILLAINS, SINCE I DON'T KNOW CERTAIN ONES LIKE THE TASKMASTER!)  
  
SEND IN YOUR REVIEWS IF YOU WANT ME TO CONTINUE! 


	3. Vampires Need Love Too!

Danger, X-Men, Danger!  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: The reviews are so very much worth it! I STILL can't believe my VERY FIRST REVIEW the night I uploaded this story was from Red Witch herself! That's, like, a godsend or something!  
  
MAJOR NOTE: It's What If #37 that has the X-Men as the X-Vampires! Check it out!  
  
TO RyanGosling4Ever: What in the heck is "Kit-doll"?  
  
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Chapter 3: Vampires Need Love Too!  
  
  
  
  
  
Lance woke up, tied spread eagle to Kitty's bed. If he weren't freaked out of his mind, he'd feel like she was seducing him. He looked around and saw the curtains were pulled open, showing the night's sky.  
  
'OH CRAP! The vampires've got me! Now I'll never get to see my Kitten!' he thought, wondering if his kid would be a vampire like Kitty apparently was.  
  
"So, we finally caught the mighty Lance Alvers, vampire hunter of Bayville," Jean Grey sneered as she came into the room.  
  
Lance made little, crooked crosses with his fingers. "Stay back, Red Menace! I'm warning you, I know several Bible verses!"  
  
"What?" Jean said, staring at him. "Lance, I hate to break it to you, but that won't work. You need real crosses and a real Bible."  
  
"Then watch out for my armpits!" he said. "Now that I'm spread eagle, they're potency is exposed!"  
  
Jean just stared at him, a blank expression on her face. "Lance, I will never know what Kitty saw in you---but I may have to, since I don't like the idea of doing it with Fred."  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh come on! You killed Scott, so now I need a new man---and let's face it, you ARE the obvious choice. Kitty loves you, but she won't have the Virgin Lance Alvers like I WILL!"  
  
"You want to have sex with me just because I iced Scott? That's sick!"  
  
"That's not all: Kitty bit you, so now you're a vampire just like the rest of us!"  
  
"Crap!"  
  
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Rahne had Bobby cornered in the kitchen, fangs ready to make him a vampire. For Rahne, she was ready for love, even though Bobby had escaped "Rahne's Room of Seduction" and made a mad dash for freedom.  
  
"Come on, Bobby," Rahne pleaded. "Being a vampire isn't THAT bad!"  
  
"Yeah right!" Bobby said, trying to find a weapon. "You can't go out in sunlight, you have no reflection, and there's all this other stuff!"  
  
"Bobby, we use magic to get reflections, we have always been able to survive in sunlight thanks to sun block, and all the other stuff is easy to deal with! Plus, we keep our mutant powers, since the same thing that animates our undead bodies keeps our mutants powers active."  
  
"Really? But you're DEAD!"  
  
"Oh, Bobby, can't you just admit you love me?" Rahne asked, leaping at him.  
  
Fortunately, Bobby grabbed a spatula and whacked Rahne in the face, sending her back and giving him some elbowroom. He edged towards the doorway.  
  
"Stay back, or I'll flip your pancakes!" Bobby warned, his voice wavering. After all, he was dealing with mutant-powered VAMPIRES, people! Who WOULDN'T be worried a little bit?  
  
Rahne's eyes lit up like Christmas trees. "Oh, please flip my pancakes, Bobby honey!" She leapt at him again, and he swatted her across the face. While she was temporarily stunned, he ran out into the common room, screaming bloody murder.  
  
"Help! Rahne's a vampire! She wants to bite me!" he screamed.  
  
Jubilee looked up from her book. "You know, I told Sam to do the exact same thing---and look at the great dental plan I got!" She smiled, showing her lovely white teeth and her vampire fangs.  
  
"I know," Ray agreed. "It's like we're even closer as a family now, all sharing the same dental plan!" He smiled, making his fangs evident.  
  
"Oh shit! I'm the last mutant in Bayville, I just know it!" Bobby cried. He was thrown to the floor as Rahne tackled him from behind.  
  
"Don't fight it, Bobby!" she said. "We'll be together forever!" She bent down, and he couldn't move, being pinned by her weight.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
"Hey---that's MY man you got there, Barbie!" Kitty yelled, pointing a finger at Jean.  
  
"Well, he killed MY man, so I need a new one!"  
  
"Not good!" Lance said. "I'm in a vampire tug-of-war-for-Lance's-love game! I need help! Hey, wait, where's my team of elite vampire hunters?"  
  
"I dealt with them," Mystique said proudly, entering the room. "They'll be vampires just like we are before long."  
  
"Woman, you are seriously messed up!" Lance barked.  
  
Kitty examined the Author's sentence. "Lance barked? Do it again, but this time like a dog would, and sexy!"  
  
"No!" Lance said. "And where's Cue-Ball?"  
  
"He's out cold," Jean said. "We haven't decided whether to turn him or not, but I get the privilege of doing THAT job."  
  
*******************************************************************  
  
"Help! Rogue's a vampire, even though we sprayed her!" Pietro shrieked, racing through the Institute.  
  
"Pietro, hold still!" Rogue said. She hadn't been able to tap his power, but she chased him anyway.  
  
"Toad, help!" Pietro begged, still moving around to keep out of Rogue's reach.  
  
"No way, man!" Todd said, leaping to another wall to avoid Kurt. "I have enough trouble as it is!"  
  
Wanda was trying to stay away from Jamie Madrox, while Tabitha was running from Roberto. Overall, the Brotherhood was pretty likely to be joining the ranks of the undead pretty soon, and their leader already had, thanks to his girl.  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Fred threw Hank and Logan back, but they got up again. "This could go on forever!"  
  
"No it can't, fatso!" Logan said. "You won't live forever, but we will, because we're VAMPIRES!"  
  
"You still can't stop the Blob!"  
  
"No, we can't stop the Juggernaut," Hank corrected. "We can't MOVE the Blob---and I am willing to bet that the Blob can't move himself, either."  
  
Fred gave a loud battle cry and charged.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"Hey, I got an idea!" Kitty said. Mystique had left, looking for Magneto (to bite him, duh) and only Jean and Lance were in the room.  
  
"Oh no!" Lance wept. "Not an idea!"  
  
"What is it?" Jean asked.  
  
"We can both make love to Lance at the same time!"  
  
"A three-way? Great idea!" Jean said, brightening. "That means we'll all lose our virginity at the same time!"  
  
"I won't do it!" Lance said.  
  
"You will," Kitty said matter-of-factly. "You see, 'I' am the Head Vampire, and you must obey me!"  
  
"How did you become the Head Vampire?" Lance demanded.  
  
"I don't know! Ask the Author!"  
  
"You expect me to know that?" the Author snapped. "You think of something-- -you're the vampire, not me!"  
  
"Oh, forget it!" Lance said. "Just do me already or something!"  
  
"To the bed!" Kitty cried, and she and Jean pounced.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"Hey, being a vampire isn't so bad after all," Bobby said. He was checking out the puncture wounds in his neck, using his last time in the mirror wisely.  
  
"I told you so," Rahne said, giving him a big hug. "Now we'll be together for all eternity!"  
  
"You know, I guess I DO love you, Rahne!" Bobby declared, embracing her tightly as kissing her before they began sucking each other's blood, just to show their love.  
  
"Why can't we do anything like that?" Jubilee complained.  
  
"Because I'm busy," Sam said.  
  
"No, you're watching Jamie try to bite Tabitha. I doubt THAT'LL happen."  
  
"It could!" Jamie said indignantly. He leapt over the coffee table, but Tabitha knocked him to the floor and ran for it.  
  
Wanda was throwing as many wooden shards as possible at Roberto, but he merely fried them with his energy emissions.  
  
"Come on, Wanda!" Roberto said. "Just let it happen! It's better than having Todd do it, right? Last I heard, he has the hots for you!"  
  
"No chance!" Wanda said, throwing the last of the lawn darts into his chest. Roberto froze in shock, as did everyone else, before he turned to dust.  
  
"Got one!" Wanda said before Ray grabbed her.  
  
"Last one!" he said as he bit her.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
"That was actually really good," Lance said. "Maybe I'll like being a vampire."  
  
"You know, if you go to the movies and tell them you're a vampire, they give you a free soda," Kitty said.  
  
"Really?" Lance asked. "No more wasted efforts stealing, then!"  
  
"I never knew that," Jean said.  
  
"It's true! I did it with Scott when I bit him!"  
  
"That should have been me!" Jean wailed.  
  
******************************************************************  
  
Rogue had cornered Pietro in Xavier's study, and was grinning like a shark.  
  
"Oh, Pietro, you have no idea how much I have been waiting for this moment."  
  
"Uh, Rogue, now we can just keep a normal relationship, no bloodsucking involved," Pietro suggested, his knees wobbling.  
  
"No way. I'm making you a vampire, and that's all there is to it. After all, Kitty gets Lance, so I need a man myself."  
  
"Yikes!" Pietro cried as he dodged another inhumanly fast tackle. He had to admit, Rogue must really love him to be this desperate.  
  
But he didn't notice Rogue's foot, and tripped on it. She pounced on him, and he was trapped.  
  
"I told you not to fight it," Rogue said. "It's always the hard way with you. Now you can see why you should have just given yourself to me." She kissed his neck before sinking her teeth in.  
  
*****************************************************************  
  
When Kitty came downstairs with Lance and Jean, the Brotherhood had been turned, except for the Blob, whom nobody really felt like turning because he was, well, fat.  
  
"See, Lance? Vampires are cool! They get love too!" Kitty said.  
  
"Okay, fine, vampires can score too," Lance admitted. "I still don't get the whole thing."  
  
"Well, I can't figure out that dream you mentioned, but maybe the good guys were trying to warn you about us and you lost."  
  
"Must be it."  
  
"Oh well, time to take over the world!" Kitty declared.  
  
"Wait," Jean said. "Who leads the team, because Scott is gone."  
  
"Lance can," Kitty suggested. "Or maybe Pietro, since he led the Brotherhood."  
  
"That's right!" Pietro said. "We can have two branches of the team, if you call them branches or whatever they are. I can lead the Brotherhood while Lance takes Summers' place!"  
  
"Smart idea!" Kitty said.  
  
"Okay, X-Vampires!" Lance said. "Let's party! We're gonna take over Bayville, and then the world, because we're VAMPIRES!"  
  
Everyone cheered, and a wild party began.  
  
"Wait!" Lance said, halting everything. "Kitty, are you pregnant?"  
  
"I am now!" she said happily, kissing his cheek.  
  
"Okay, let's start partying again!"  
  
Everyone did just that.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: I might end it there, since I am having trouble with new chapter ideas. DEPENDING ON REVIEWS, I might continue, but this could end here and still be good!  
  
Review and let me know! 


	4. Stake Dinner

Danger, X-Men, Danger!  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Sorry to any non-authors that reviewed this fic, because I just found out how to accept all reviews!  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 4: Stake Dinner  
  
  
  
  
  
Lance and the others hopped into their vehicles, with Lance driving Scott's car, and they all went to town. It was eight at night the next day, and Bayville had its people roaming around.  
  
"I'm hungry!" Rahne complained. "Bobby, find a nice place for a romantic dinner!"  
  
"Jeez, woman, why do I have to do everything?" Bobby griped. "It's not like we're married!"  
  
"Actually, you are," Ray said. "When Rahne drugged you, she had Hank marry the two of you."  
  
"WHAT?" Bobby gaped. "I'm a married vampire mutant? That's twisted!"  
  
"No," Jubilee said. "THAT'S twisted." She pointed to the bend in the road. Bobby and the others, except for Jubilee, screamed as Bobby turned the wheel, just narrowly making it.  
  
"You need driving lessons!" Rahne declared. She gave Bobby a bear hug. "And I'll be glad to give them---and a little something else---to you!"  
  
"Somebody, help! Vampire in trouble here!"  
  
"Oh, look, Lance!" Kitty pointed. "There's the Olive Garden! Let's go there!"  
  
"I hear they have good food, even though they really aren't Italian," Roberto said.  
  
"They aren't?" Tabitha said.  
  
"Nope. They lie about that," Jamie said.  
  
*************************************************************  
  
Back at the Institute, Fred, Todd, and Xavier were coming up with a plan of attack.  
  
"I say we give them the old stake to the heart!" Todd said.  
  
"That doesn't work," Fred told him. "You have to use holy water! And Lance isn't holy, because he has dated an X-Geek!"  
  
"I resent that," Xavier said. "Now, if we can find out where they are, we should be able to---"  
  
"Start a revolution!" Todd cried. "We have to take over and make sure no more vampire pop up! Revolution now!"  
  
"We are NOT having a revolution!" Xavier snapped.  
  
"Oh, shove it up your nose!" Fred told the professor.  
  
"Hey, where that Storm chippie?" Todd asked.  
  
"Ororo is not a 'chippie', Todd," Xavier growled.  
  
"Says you!"  
  
"That's right, midget!"  
  
"Oh, that---is---IT!" Todd bellowed, leaping at Xavier.  
  
"Bring it on, shrimp!" Xavier challenged.  
  
"Stop it right now!" Fred roared. Todd and Xavier halted their charges, but glared at each other. "We need to find the others and make them all human again!"  
  
"How?" Todd asked.  
  
"You're asking me?" Fred said. "I don't know! Maybe they'll go normal if we hit them with Bibles or something!"  
  
"Fred, we cannot go around beating vampires with Bibles!" Xavier gasped. "It's sacrilegious!"  
  
"So? We need mutants, not vampires!"  
  
"Okay, fine, we'll beat up vampires with copies of the Holy Bible."  
  
"And then have a revolution!" Todd shouted. "Anarchy now!"  
  
"What does that have to do with anything?" Fred asked.  
  
"I don't know," Todd said. "It just sounds good!"  
  
Xavier clapped a hand on his head. "Oh, this is going to one hell of a rough night..."  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
"More non-garlic bread!" Kitty and Rahne called. "We're hungry!"  
  
"Dear God, who ARE those lunatics?" the chef asked when the waitress reentered the kitchen area. "They just keep eating! And I know a few of them were here last night, terrorizing my customers with Super Soakers!"  
  
"Just give them food and we'll be fine," the waitress said.  
  
"So, Bobby, feeling any better?" Rahne asked, seductively running her finger up his chest.  
  
"Um, yeah, I think I feel just great," Bobby said in a quavering voice. "Rahne, look out!"  
  
"Huh?" Rahne said as she turned to see what he was pointing at. Bobby took his chance and ducked under the table, scrambling for the exit.  
  
"Not so fast, my Blizzard of Love!" Rahne cried, leaping over the table and landing on Bobby, pinning him down.  
  
"Oh Lance!" Kitty cried. "Why can't you ever do that for me?"  
  
"I did!" Lance said. "I was the person leading the charge to warn you about the murders and then I was hunting vampires at risk of me and my team's lives!"  
  
"I love you!" Kitty shouted as she pushed him onto his back on the booth's seat, making out with him.  
  
"All right, vampires!" a voice shouted. "Where are you bloodsucking scum?"  
  
All the X-Men and Brotherhood looked up to see Fred, Todd, and Xavier standing at the entrance of the Olive Garden with vampire-killing tools at the ready.  
  
"There they are!" Todd yelled. "Die, vampires, because we need a revolution!"  
  
"I got him!" Kurt said, tackling Todd in mid-leap.  
  
"That leaves you and me!" Fred told Jean. "And I thought I loved you! Now I can really have your heart!"  
  
"Lousy joke," Jean said as she threw water in Fred's face.  
  
"I'm blind!" the massive mutant cried out, stumbling around.  
  
"You can't stop us, Cue-Ball!" Lance said smugly to Xavier. "We already got your friends!"  
  
"But I have THESE!" Xavier pulled a few Bibles from the gym bag he had. He threw them at the vampires, who recoiled.  
  
"OW! That hurts!" Wanda said. "Now I know why I don't like the Bible!"  
  
"We can stop him!" Lance said. "Pietro, do something!"  
  
"I'm busy here!" Pietro called back before returning to his serenade of a local girl.  
  
Rogue stomped over to them. "He's taken!" she barked at the girl, grabbing Pietro's ear and pulling him away.  
  
"We're winning!" Fred said. He was trying to raise the team morale because the newly created vampire hunter team was really losing.  
  
"Is that the best you can do?" Roberto laughed at Fred. He threw several bread sticks at Fred.  
  
"Have some salad!" Kurt said to Todd as he dumped the bowl on the Toad's head. Todd became furious and slapped Kurt, and the two began hitting each other like schoolgirls.  
  
"You lose, Cue-Ball!" Lance cried. He threw more spaghetti at Xavier.  
  
"I can still win!" Xavier yelled defiantly. "You could run out of food- ammo!"  
  
"Not when I ordered for four people when I was only going to eat it myself!" Lance retorted. He picked up the lasagna and nailed Xavier in the face. "Hasta lasagna, don't get any on-ya!"  
  
"That's it!" Xavier roared, silencing everyone and stopping all the action. "I'll kick your ass like a man!" He fell out of his wheelchair and began pulling himself across the floor like a soldier in Vietnam.  
  
"You have GOT to be KIDDING ME!" Lance and the other vampires burst into ground-shaking laughter. Xavier ignored them as he crawled, holding a Bible in his teeth.  
  
"I smite thee!" Xavier yelled as he whacked Lance in the shin with the Bible. "To Hell with your vile kind!"  
  
"Oh, lay off it, gramps!" Kitty said, kicking the Bible away and then yelping when Xavier produced another. "Lance, save me!"  
  
"Have no fear, for Lance is here!" Lance bellowed loudly, rushing forward and body-slamming Xavier. The two wrestled around for several minutes.  
  
"We're losing!" Ray said sarcastically. Fred's face went red with rage and he threw a bowl of pudding, knocking Jamie down and ruining the boy's shirt.  
  
"No fair!" Jubilee said, blinding Fred with a packet of mayonnaise. "He's just a boy!"  
  
"Bobby, I love you!" Rahne said as she pulled Bobby into a private booth that no one was using or paying attention to at all.  
  
"Help!" Bobby screamed as Rahne pulled him down.  
  
"The winner!" Lance said. Kitty and Jean were walking around like models in bikinis, showing off their champion boyfriend.  
  
"He's chickening out!" Ray cried. "We hath won a mighty victory, my fellow vampires! The Blob hath been defeated!"  
  
"Coward!" Jubilee yelled at Fred's back.  
  
"You know, that didn't hurt so much," Todd said, feeling the puncture wounds. "Too bad we don't like each other."  
  
"With Kitty as Head Vampire, we might have to," Kurt said. "It's too bad she didn't pick me instead of Lance!"  
  
Xavier was on the floor, a Bible stuck in his chest.  
  
"Um, how did THAT happen?" Tabitha asked.  
  
"Don't ask me," Lance said defensively. "It's HIS Bible!"  
  
"We have to party even harder!" Wanda said. "We won a major conflict! It's our duty as juvenile delinquents to go wild!"  
  
"You mean have a kegger or something?" Roberto asked.  
  
"Exactly!"  
  
"Wait!" Kitty said. "It's almost Lance's birthday! We need to shop for a gift!"  
  
"Really? Oh, yeah, it is!" Lance remembered. The vampires all piled into their vehicles and drove like maniacs to the various toy, video game, and magazine stores, stealing whatever they wanted. The shopkeepers needed only to see proof that they were vampires to turn yellow.  
  
"To the movies!" Kitty said. They all went to see the only movie worth seeing at the time: Jackass. (AN: I NEED TO SEE THAT MOVIE!)  
  
"Give us our free soda!" Lance demanded. "We're all vampires!"  
  
"I need some ID that says you're really vampires," the clerk said.  
  
"Here's your ID!" Tabitha laughed, blowing up the Icee machine. The gang stole more sweets and lots of popcorn before going into the movie area (AN: I don't know what it's called).  
  
The vampires laughed their asses off when Johnny Knoxville crashed into the pig with the go-cart. Overall, Kitty thought, it was cool to be a vampire!  
  
******************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: I think I better end it here, cause it doesn't get any better than this. I mean, come on, what else am I gonna write?  
  
Anyway, READ N REVIEW, CAUSE I NEED'EM! 


	5. Smokin' an' Drivin'

Danger, X-Men, Danger!  
  
By Blackheart Syaoran  
  
AUTHOR: Due to the encouraging reviews---I'M BACK WITH ANOTHER CHAPTER! HOPE YOU ALL DIE LAUGHING FROM THIS STORY!  
  
TO darkshenronmagic: I have had a sample or so (by sample, I mean I've had a few dozen joints from time to time; I lose count).  
  
TO todd fan: Glad you liked the "talk" Xavier and Todd had!  
  
MAJOR NOTE: I HAVE DECIDED TO MOVE MY MARVEL VS. DC FIC TO MAINSTREAM X-MEN ON FF.NET! YOU NEED TO CHECK MY PROFILE TO FIND IT, MAYBE!  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
Chapter 5: Smokin' an' Drivin'  
  
  
  
  
  
"Lance, we need to get to a movie, quick!" Kitty said. "I want to see that new film, The Necklace!"  
  
"It's not The Necklace!" Pietro said. "It's The Ring!" (AN: I haven't seen the film, but hear that it scares big time).  
  
"Shut up, Blur!" Lance said. Because Todd had pulled out a second bag of grass, the Brotherhood and the X-Men were high as kites. "We need to hunt vampires at the movie theater! For Kitty!"  
  
"Oh my God!" Rogue gasped. "Lance has been stoned back to last night--- least I THINK it's last night."  
  
"Tell me about it," Tabitha grinned. "I'm still stoned from the first time. Can you tell me whether or not I'm a home girl?"  
  
"I think you're both," Rogue said, squinting as she looked at Tabitha, almost touching.  
  
"Everyone, shut up again!" Lance roared. "We need to find some vampires at the movies! They're all buying magic rings that'll make us norms again and to enslave the world!"  
  
"Does their evil know no end?" Wanda shrieked, dropping to the floor and looking like she was begging God for an answer.  
  
"Come on, teams!" Lance said encouragingly. "We can beat these vamp freaks!"  
  
"He's right!" Todd said. "Let's go! Anarchy now!"  
  
"Shut up about your damn anarchy!" Jean snapped. "Lance, I want to ride with you!"  
  
"No, he's riding with ME!" Kitty said. "I'm Head Vampire!"  
  
"I'm Nelly!" Lance declared. "All the ladies wanna ride wit' me!"  
  
"Into the A-Jeep!" Pietro said, acting dramatic, one hand up his shirt because the grass was making him think he was related to Napoleon.  
  
The vampires all piled into the A-Jeep, but those that couldn't fit in had to take the other cars. Lance was driving, and if you were another driver, you would testify that he was intentionally hitting every object within sight: street signs, mailboxes, the occasional old lady with a walker.  
  
"Red light!" Kurt said, pointing.  
  
Lance slammed on the brakes and sent Jean's forehead smacking into his windshield.  
  
"OW!" she cursed.  
  
"Quiet!" Pietro snapped. "This is a really cool song!" He inserted a CD into the slot and the music came on.  
  
"Hey, this song kicks ass!" Lance said, starting to headbang like a pro. The others started to headbang, and didn't notice when another car pulled up beside them, in the turn lane. The passengers eyed the vampires as if the latter were lunatics, entirely because they were headbanging to elevator music. The CD skipped and the vampires were suddenly headbanging to gospel songs; another skip played the Macarena; another "The Hills Are Alive" from the Sound of Music.  
  
The passengers of the other car just stared blankly at the vampires, stupefied that ANYONE in their right mind would headbang to those songs.  
  
"What're you looking at, vampire?" Lance demanded. "Get 'em, men!" The mutant vamps shot from the A-Jeep and began using their nails to scratch the paint job of the Buick the people were in. The car drove off immediately.  
  
"Oh shit!" Jean cursed. "We let the vampires escape! Now Kitty's going to buy the farm!"  
  
"I, like, hate farms!" Kitty said. "They're all muddy and icky and stuff!"  
  
"To the movie theater, that vampires' nest of evil!" Lance ordered. Everyone got back into the A-Jeep and they drove to the theater.  
  
Or TRIED to, anyway.  
  
"Wait!" Todd said. "We need a disguise, or the vampires will recognize us!"  
  
"He's right!" Jubilee agreed. "To Macy's!"  
  
"Macy's sucks!" Pietro said. "We need Wal-Mart!"  
  
"Wal-Mart sucks and blows!" Tabitha said. "There's only one disguise that no one could possibly question---a rap artist!"  
  
"But we can't all possibly dress like different rap artists, or we'll confuse one another for ghetto vamps," Rogue said.  
  
"She's right!" Kurt said. "I got the perfect idea as to what we can dress like..."  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
"I CANNOT BELIEVE I am in this outfit," Pietro said, stumbling forward through the theater doors. "I feel so...alienated."  
  
"It's Single White Female again," Todd said. "Everyone wants to be them."  
  
"Just be glad we dressed like this," Wanda said. "NO ONE would dare question the---"  
  
"ST. LUNATICS!" the vampires said as one, striking a pose. The group snuck into the movie and glanced at the screen.  
  
"Damn it! We got the wrong screen!" Tabitha said.  
  
"Everyone, into the next one over!"  
  
They all rushed into the right movie this time.  
  
"Quick, find a seat for seven people!" Kitty hissed. (AN: I THINK the St. Lunatics are seven people).  
  
"Oh, for the love of God," Duncan Mathews mumbled.  
  
The girl next to him looked at her date. "What is it?"  
  
"It's that psychopath Lance Alvers. He attacked me with his buddies because he thought I was a vampire."  
  
"Oh crap, they're sitting next to us!" the girl hissed.  
  
Lance and Kitty sat next to Duncan and Courtney (AN: Rogue, dear, I hope you don't slit my throat for using that cheerleader's name).  
  
"Hey, I saw this film!" Todd cried out. "It's where the movie turns out to be made by the ghost of Thomas Edison!"  
  
"Nuh-uh," Wanda said. "It's Sarah Michelle Gellar! After killing off all kinds of demons, that psycho-bitch can scare anyone!"  
  
"I thought it was George Bush, Jr.," Kurt said. "His child-like attitude at the beginning of his presidency was only a cover for his evil genius!" (AN: Bush is a swell President by me).  
  
"Do you losers ever shut up?" Duncan snapped. "People are watching a movie here."  
  
"Lance, the vampire's back!" Kitty shrieked. "Save me!"  
  
"Have no fear, for Lance is here!" Lance declared dramatically. He stood up and slapped Duncan upside his head. "Take that upside yo' foo' head!"  
  
"Why you little---!"  
  
Pietro ran over and slapped Duncan as if he was a girl. "You cheap whore, you never even told me you loved me!"  
  
"You guys are nuts!" Courtney said. "Come on, Duncan, let's get out of here!"  
  
"St. Lunatics, converge!" Lance ordered, drowning out the movie with his loud shout. "The vampires are making a run for it!"  
  
"They not only think we're vampires, they think they're black rap stars?" Courtney said incredulously.  
  
"Attack!" Lance bellowed, and the vampire mutants leapt onto Duncan and his date. They all engaged in a wrestling match for several minutes, disrupting everyone's already strained attitudes.  
  
"Hey you punks!" the staff member with the flashlight said. "You better leave!" (AN: You know the guy with the flashlight, who tells you to hit the bricks?)  
  
"He's a zombie, vampire's always keep zombie slaves!" Todd said, spitting in the man's face.  
  
After causing a small riot, the vampires ducked out to escape punishment from the cops, who were probably on their way over. Tabitha and Todd stole a bunch of goods from the concession stand, various candies and popcorn.  
  
"We beat the vampires!" Pietro declared. "We're the baddest motherfuckers on the block!"  
  
"Time to celebrate!" Lance said. "Let's go to Dairy Queen!"  
  
The gang hopped into the A-Jeep and drove down the street, and when they stopped, they ran into---  
  
"Oh frick!" Magneto said. The vampire Mystique had tried to get him but failed, and now it looked like her minions were back. The A-Jeep pulled up alongside his Mercedes, music blaring and bobbing their heads as though they were in a rap video.  
  
"The fuck are YOU lookin' at, foo'?" Lance said as he kept bobbing. "We da St. Loon-tics!"  
  
"I didn't say anything," Magneto started, but Rogue cut him off.  
  
"He thinks we're gay!" she said, jabbing an accusing finger at him. "I can read his mind!"  
  
"I can too!" Jean said.  
  
"No you can't!" Kitty said. "Rogue called it first!"  
  
"Wait!" Rogue said, concentrating. "He thinks were fags!"  
  
"Get the sick bastard!" Lance roared. The stoned vampire mutants leapt from the jeep and covered Magneto's car, scratching and clawing and slashing his tires.  
  
"Get off my car!" Magneto snapped. "Right now!"  
  
"We're not fags!" Pietro said. "You don't love me!"  
  
"What the hell are you talking about?" Magneto demanded.  
  
"Get him!" Lance said.  
  
But Magneto floored the accelerator and the car burst forward, shaking the vampires loose.  
  
"We'll get you, Fag-Hater Man!" Lance vowed. "There's no way you can hide from us!"  
  
"Lance, I'm tired," Kitty said. "Tuck me in?"  
  
"Sure!"  
  
They all drove back, and Lance carried Kitty like a groom carried a bride into the house (AN: You know, the old joke?). But halfway up the stairs he fell back down and had to start all over.  
  
"Lance, I'm cold," Kitty whined seductively. "Stay with me?"  
  
"What about me?" Jean complained. "I need love too!"  
  
"Why don't you hit on Todd?" Lance said. "I've already got a woman." He carried Kitty to her room and shut the door to block out their loud noises. (They were playing Monopoly for a while BEFORE having sex again).  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
AUTHOR: Like I said, I have decided to move my Marvel-VS-DC fic to the mainstream X-Men series, because then people will actually read it.  
  
NOTE: Please read my Marvel-DC fic, PLEASE! I'M BEGGING YOU! 


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